Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.