Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
You Might Also Like
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
☺️
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
idk what this dog had been going through but same
