Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
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Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
If only
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
some cats are just doing for fun!
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music