Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
oh you wanna fight?!
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.