Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Confused owl: What?!
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that