Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
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If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.