Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
You Might Also Like
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.