Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
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Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*pokes sex life with a stick
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership