Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
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Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
got so much cardio in today
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.