Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

dead inside

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.