Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.