A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
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My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.