wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
No laws when master is gone
Pandas 🐼🖤
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke