wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
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Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.