Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

For the baby who has everything

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.