Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.