[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
*pronounces woah like Noah*
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.