Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

Good point.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

lmfao

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day