Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders