Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
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All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.