Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

My birthstone is a marshmallow