Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
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Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Coffee is ready.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.