Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

good let them take over I have had enough

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there