Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
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“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking