Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

termite twitter scares me

Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.