wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
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“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!