Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.