Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
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Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
