Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Frog purse.

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’