Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

This could be us… but you playing