me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me