Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Me buying fruit and veg

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.