Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.