Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

I’m a self-made hundredaire

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.