Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”