Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.