Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?