Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

Printer ink is expensive

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

The asteroid..