Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

I’m about to risk it all

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.