Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
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Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer