Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

A choir of Spring onions

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.