Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

waiting for halloween be like:

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”