Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
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10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”