Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

Just a reminder, folks:

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

ㅤ

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*