Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

are they though??

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.