Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”


Me: Everything isn’t about you.

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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me


“You should’ve seen the other guy” I say as I lay in the hospital with 2 broken legs and a black eye. “He was so much better at fighting”


“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”


I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am


Tried my hand at this whole ‘cougar’ business but I just don’t like the taste of hikers. It’s possible I read the wrong Wikipedia page.


My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”


Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles