If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
You Might Also Like
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
“You should’ve seen the other guy” I say as I lay in the hospital with 2 broken legs and a black eye. “He was so much better at fighting”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Tried my hand at this whole ‘cougar’ business but I just don’t like the taste of hikers. It’s possible I read the wrong Wikipedia page.
Her: You’ll miss me when I’m gone!
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Was it something I said?