How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
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[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise