*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
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Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
a public service announcement
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here