wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
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Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree