wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
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All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life