wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.