Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?