wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
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“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
If you know, you know
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed