Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

😬