Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.