Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.