Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING