Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I think they could have phrased this better
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.