Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
notice
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?