Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.