Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Inside you there are two wolves