Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

Who says great literature is dead?

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog