Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

yikes

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”