Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

I only eat vegetarians.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.