Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
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Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here