Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

*limbos away from your hug*

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.