Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

Bruh

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.