Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
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Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys