Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

so weird how every mom was born today

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

lol

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

a lot to unpack here

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??