Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.