Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?