Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me